Navigating Low Desire in Relationships
It’s one of the most common challenges relationships encounter and it can be one of the most difficult to discuss. When we experience low desire in relationships, it is not just about physical intimacy. Intimacy can feel varied in numerous ways – emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and creative, to name a few. This often leaves us feeling confused, rejected, or inadequate. Pair those feelings with avoidance over talking about desire differences and we have a recipe for disconnection.
But here’s the truth: low intimacy, or low desire, is more common than you think with up to 80% of couples identifying as a source of stress. Most important, it does not have to mean the end of connection or doom for the relationship.
What Causes Low Desire?
Low desire can happen for many reasons and it’s often NOT just one thing. It can stem from physiological reasons—like hormonal shifts, medication side effects, excessive alcohol/drug use, chronic stress or fatigue (especially lack of sleep). It can be more psychological in nature, with stress related to work or home, depression or performance anxiety– a form of anxiety characterized by intense worry about sexual performance or the ability to satisfy a partner; impacting up to 25% of men and approximately 15% of women. Past abuse can resurface and impact us. Other contributors include resentment, unspoken needs, an intense pattern of relational conflict and lack of emotional closeness.
Desire is complex. It’s not only our libido—it’s about context, connection, safety, and timing.
When Things Don’t Feel Mutual
In many relationships, one partner wants something more often than the other. This “desire discrepancy” is normal according to Dr. David Schnarch, a leading sex therapist and clinical psychologist. He shares that there will inevitably be a low desire and high desire partner in many aspects of a relationship. This could relate to anything from sex to who has a higher interest in doing yardwork. There will be one partner who wants to do something and another who wants to do it less or not at all. The silence around these discrepancies is the damaging part. Higher-desire partners may feel rejected; while the lower-desire power may feel inadequate or pressured. It’s about navigating tough conversations.
Where Does One Even Start A Conversation?
Here are a few tips to remember when broaching the conversation.
- Timing and location is key. Choose a neutral moment. Avoid discussing in the heat of the moment or during an argument. Talk outside the bedroom; it will help avoid negative associations with tough talks and the bedroom, which we want to be thought of as a fun and relaxing space.
- Know thy self. Every opportunity for physical intimacy is a balancing act of turn-ons and turn-offs. Recognize what yours are and know they include physical, psychological and emotional cues. Turn-ons might include an article of clothing, feeling confident about ourselves, sense of connection with our partner or our body image. Turn-offs might include work stress, poor body image, relational conflict, or physical pain.
- Scrap the blame. Approach the topic with curiosity, not criticism. Use “I” statements instead of “you never.” Ask what helps your partner feel close, desired, and emotionally safe. Share what those things are for you.
- Avoid negative statements. Tell each other what you want more of instead of what you want them NOT to do. “I like it when you rub my back. I’d like it even more if we slowed down and took more time touching one another to build up anticipation.
- Need more support?If this is something you or your partner are experiencing, you might benefit from reading books like Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski or working with a.relationship therapist that can help navigate discussions and identify deeper patterns.
Dr. Shawn Chrisman, Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) and PhD in Human Sexuality