The way we talk to ourselves matters more than we realize. While researchers don’t agree on an exact number, an often quoted study estimated that the average person experiences more than 6,000 distinct thoughts every day. Throughout the day, we have an internal dialogue—thoughts about who we are, what we can accomplish, and how we respond when things don’t go as planned. Research suggests that many of them are repetitive; estimates say that up to 90% of thoughts can be repetitive. How would we describe our inner voice – encouraging, neutral, critical, quiet? When that inner voice is consistently critical or negative, it can affect our confidence, motivation, and overall emotional well-being.
Many picture the Saturday Night Live sketch where Stuart Smalley shares with us, “you’re good enough, you’re smart enough and people like you.” This may elicit a laugh or an eye roll. It’s important to clarify. Positive self-talk isn’t about pretending everything is perfect or ignoring difficult emotions. Instead, it means learning to speak to yourself with the same compassion, patience, and encouragement you would offer someone you care about.
For example, instead of thinking, “I always mess things up,” try, “I made a mistake, but I can learn from it.” Instead of “I can’t do this,” consider, “This is difficult, but I can take it one step at a time.” These small changes can help challenge unhelpful thinking patterns and create a more balanced perspective. Positive self-talk can also improve resilience. Life inevitably brings setbacks, uncertainty, and disappointment. A supportive inner voice can help us move through those experiences without allowing one difficult moment to define how we see ourselves.
The goal isn’t to eliminate negative thoughts. That’s unrealistic—our brains naturally produce them. The goal is to notice them, question whether they are accurate or helpful, and practice responding differently.
So it’s as simple as saying positive statements to ourselves? No, not exactly. Take one study where people were asked to repeat the positive statement: “I’m a lovable person.”
People should feel better after repeating this statement for a while, right? Not everyone did.
For those with lower self-esteem, repeating the positive statement actually left them feeling worse off. Why? One explanation is that when a statement feels too far away from what we currently believe about ourselves, it highlights the contradiction and reinforces the negative.
So we work on bridging those thoughts with something more approachable.
If you don’t feel confident, rather than “I’m an incredibly confident person,” try “I’m becoming more confident.”
If you are dealing with something difficult, instead of “I’m not worried about the future,” try “While this is challenging, I can deal with it one step at a time.”
With this mindset, two words become extremely important in your phrasing of positive self-talk:
“I’m becoming….”
I’m becoming calmer.
I’m becoming more courageous.
I’m becoming better at handling difficulty.
I’m becoming more comfortable asking for what I want and need.
I’m becoming gentler with myself.
Positive self-talk isn’t about convincing yourself that something is true when you know it isn’t. That’s likely to backfire. This is about breaking up those negative repetitive patterns and giving your mind something new to move towards.
As you’re working to change that self-talk, a helpful reflective question is “Would I say this to a friend who was struggling?” If the answer is no, consider how you might rephrase that thought with greater kindness.
Changing your self-talk takes practice, but even small shifts can make a meaningful difference. The voice you hear most often is your own—make it one that helps you move forward.
Written by:
Licensed Professional Counselor