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We’re Like Affectionate Roommates

Dear Roz,

After 18 years, three challenging kids, house in the suburbs, etc., “Ken” and I are still partners; however, I just don’t have any sexual desire, period. I could think of many reasons (real and made up) that justify my low sex desire with him. I think it’s me. My ob/gyn says I’m fine. But I’m not.

Ken is kind, but impatient. At 38, is this the end of my/our sexual life? I don’t think that massages and weekends at a hotel are the answer. We’ve done that. Still no desire. Please help.

===> There can be SO many reasons for loss of sexual desire.

Over-responsibility and too little help. So many obligations that sex becomes just something else on your To-Do list. General fatigue and that burned-out feeling. An unfocused but underlying resentment.

On the other hand, there can also be physical reasons. Did your ob/gyn do a COMPLETE work-up on you, including thyroid, estrogen, and testosterone levels? Did s/he do the blood work that would indicate if you are peri-menopausal?

I’d say, first have all that physical stuff checked out, and talk with your doc about the possibility of a low-dose testosterone cream, the sex-drive hormone for men and women alike.

If that doesn’t help, and rearranging your life to make room for your own needs doesn’t either, it’s time to make an appointment with a counselor. Maybe there are unresolved issues between the two of you or something from your past to clear out. (And you can tell Ken to stop being so impatient.) Good luck! -Roz

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