I just started dating someone a few months ago, and my mom wants to know all of the details — ALL of them! She thinks it’s ok to ask me about sex with my boyfriend. I just don’t feel comfortable telling her anything about it, but I know it upsets her if I don’t share details with her. It’s just so weird. What should I do?
—A confused grown daughter
===> Poor Mom. It’s been a long time since she was a newbie to the sex world, and she may be trying to take a stroll down Memory Lane. Or maybe she wasn’t allowed the sexual freedom you have, and she wants to live it vicariously. And, of course, she just may be a pushy mom with lousy boundaries around privacy.
Regardless of the reasons, you can (and should) tell her with firmness but affection, “What goes on between Thomas and me is so private, Mom. Please don’t ask me to share it, and please don’t guilt-trip me when I don’t want to. You’ve done a great job of raising me to have integrity, and it just doesn’t feel right for me to share our love life with you. But I will tell you that he is kind and sweet and honorable, and he treats me really well.”
You have to set boundaries on everyone, even your precious mother, who tries to make you do something that doesn’t fit for you. Just do it gently, so she doesn’t feel ashamed about her curiosity. And DON’T let her guilt-trip you!